Ciara Smith, "Dear Self"

Dear Self--
do not let capitalism own real estate in your mindset.
stop taxing yourself for the space you take up;
you live here and you deserve your home. 
and besides, you’re broke anyways


I swear,
I tried to string
the fabric of the universe across my shoulders
and wear it as a robe
--but it’s heavier than it looks,
and i’m afraid if i draw it around me,
it will swallow me whole.
what if i’m not black enough for black girl magic?


The first time my father put his hands on my mother,
she packed me and my brothers up in the car
like it was the suitcase
like our love
was the only clothes she ever needed to wear; 
the bravest thing I’ve learned how to do is run
and I’ve been running ever since

He pistoned his fingers inside of me, 
and left with the scent of war lingering on them and
I wondered how he could still claim victory
of the civil war that destroyed my continent.
boys will colonize anything

Didn’t anyone tell you
you cannot make
stardust
out of grated bones?
destroy the idea that the only way to make something strong is to unmake it first

I used to look up at the sky
and try to find a constellation,
but all I ever saw were indecipherable clusters of stars, 
rocketed out of reach of cognitive conformity,
astral rejections
of the dreams we’ve projected on them.
a star’s only obligation is to subsist // constellations are a social construction

The best liars
are the ones
who lie to themselves,
because
at least that way
they have something
to believe in.
I have my mother’s eyes and my father’s lies
 

 

pc: Brianna Tucker VanVleet IG @van.fleek